Well I've been in this boat now the past couple of months. I'm glad I found this post a while back since I was baffled on how to act towards my friend. Her mom and dad both have terminal cancer, she is 8 1/2 months pregnant, and has a 17 month old daughter already. They are from another state and have no family here or nearby. Her mom has had cancer twice before, got breast cancer again a few months ago and then got sick last week and found out she also has liver cancer. Yesterday she decided it would be the last of her treatment and died this morning. I took the advice of many here and just let her know I am here whenever she needs me. She would vent quickly, but that was about it. I have been watching her daughter multiple times per week when she's in and out of the hospital with pre-term labor, so they say I have helped more than words can say. It's still hard to let your offers be known and then step aside. I am the in-your-face kind of person, I love to help and do everything for everyone (I'm a Cancer, for those who follow horoscopes lol), so it's strange to not be smothering them right now! But I just wanted to say that it does seem the best way to help is to offer whatever help you're willing to give, whether meals or babysitting or cleaning, and then let them be. They don't want to be reminded constantly of what's happening, it's already on their mind. So thanks for the advice, even though I didn't make this post, it was so helpful!
Stubborn Disbeliever
JoinedPosts by Stubborn Disbeliever
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When Tragedy Strikes..............Someone Else
by BizzyBee ini found this article to be spot on - common sense that isn't always common:.
how not to say the wrong thing .
it works in all kinds of crises medical, legal, even existential.
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i think i found a church
by unstopableravens ini really enjoyed church today, i have been visting serevel in the last few weeks, all the ones i have been to have been okay, but no more, but today i felt comfortable with everything i seen.
it seemed very doctrinally sound, christ centered and the big bonus i did not hear a word about money!
they did not pass a plate(i dont know if they do but today there was none).
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Stubborn Disbeliever
I think church is about the socialization. It's nice to have friends. Although I've never found and "friends" at any church. I did practice Wicca for a few years and LOVED it, but, like Christianity, has so many different belief paths, it's hard to find ONE group that agrees. I'm not an "alone" kind of person, but I loved the feeling of giving back, and it didn't require a donation of cash. lol
I hope you can find some comfort in your church. Personally, I'm not sure how anyone can be part of a religion anymore, not after my JW upbringing and past while being involved with the Mormons. ha
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Reflecting on my JW life
by Gojira_101 insorry i have been m.i.a lately...life got very busy for me.. this morning i woke up at 5:30 and couldn't get back to sleep because i was having many thoughts running through my head.
my grandma shunning me, what it was like for me as a jw and i remembered something that i thought i would share.
guess i'm needing some group therapy today :).
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Stubborn Disbeliever
Honey, you were a regular pioneer for HOW long?? You were in it DEEP. I still get those thoughts once in a while, I think it's the brainwashing and conflict of what you REALLY know. I get sick to my stomach when i think about it. It's actually the ONLY brainwashing I've had. But really, you are doing great. Think of the weight that has been lifted off your shoulders since you left and unloaded all those feelings. Think of the joy in your life now. You will be rewarded for your act of being honest withyourself. You are not hurting anyone, you are not hurting yourself. You are a wonderful, kind, loving woman who should focus on seeing that part when those horrible brainwashings come leaking out. I love you sis
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Are born-ins or are converts most likely to leave?
by Julia Orwell inmaybe born-ins are, because we converts made the choice whereas the born-ins did not.
or are the converts more likely to because of thought patterns developed outside the cult?
i'd like to know what you think..
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Stubborn Disbeliever
I was a 5th generation born-in. It never clicked with me, so I was never "hooked" or "in" the cult to begin with. I did have a little of the brainwashing in the way of "you'll die and never be resurrected in Paradise" because I never truly followed or believed.
But I also was a convert to Mormonism. I was strong and steady for 6 months (that's a long time for me) then had a slip-up when my sister came into the picture for 3 days. I went back to it, slipped up again when my sister came back around for a week, then went back, and slipped up again when my sister came around the last time (this time for 2 weeks!), now she's out of the picture, i went back for a little, and just couldn't stand the control. I hadn't had coffee or tea in over a year, each slip up with with cigarettes (I've been smoking since 12 years old) and the last two with cigarettes and alcohol. I went back for a bit, my husband converted and then we saw true colors of those people as well...no one would get close to us.
The same happened with the JWs when I was reinstated, in a different state and with complete strangers, no one would come near us. People would start to talk to us, find out my husband wasn't interested in studying, and then run as fast as possible from me. With the Mormons, they clung to us in a way (only IN church though), and really made us feel welcome. Then, as soon as he was baptized, it was over. So we are both compeltely done with organized religion.
I don't know that it really makes much difference if you are born-in or a convert. Yes, you have the past ways of life with your conversion, and you have the guilty to stay if you're born in. Either way, it's not pretty lol.
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Newbie
by Stubborn Disbeliever ini'm new here, so i thought i'd start with an introduction and summary of my life, for the most part.
i have a tendancy to ramble ridiculously, so bear with me :) and this will be all over the place as thoughts take over the keyboard.. i was born a 5th generation jw.
i never really "felt" it, but was book smart about it.
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Stubborn Disbeliever
I'm all sentimental and about to cry....then Captain Obvious posts. I am busting up laughing, thank you!
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Newbie
by Stubborn Disbeliever ini'm new here, so i thought i'd start with an introduction and summary of my life, for the most part.
i have a tendancy to ramble ridiculously, so bear with me :) and this will be all over the place as thoughts take over the keyboard.. i was born a 5th generation jw.
i never really "felt" it, but was book smart about it.
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Stubborn Disbeliever
Wow! I'm overwhelmed by all the welcomes! Thank you all SO much! Yes, I'm very fortunate to have a few around me that have helped. They have always been dear to my heart. I didn't know why we lost contact until 3 years ago, and it all made sense. But now I have them again and see how true friends are family. I can't wait to get a little more time on here to join in on the conversations! It's great to meet all of you and to hopefully get to know more of you a little better. Such a wonderful thing, this site. It all makes sense why JW never "clicked" in my heart or my head.
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Newbie
by Stubborn Disbeliever ini'm new here, so i thought i'd start with an introduction and summary of my life, for the most part.
i have a tendancy to ramble ridiculously, so bear with me :) and this will be all over the place as thoughts take over the keyboard.. i was born a 5th generation jw.
i never really "felt" it, but was book smart about it.
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Stubborn Disbeliever
Wow! I went to take a nap to ease the migraine and, wow! Thank you all. I really appreciate all of your kind words. I definitely didn't put in most things, but jsut the biggest ones that stuck out to me right now. Thankfully I have my bff back and "mom" and "dad" who lead me here. I was hesitant about joining at first because I was sure my JW past was fine since I had no JW connections, but after visiting the site almost daily for just over a month, I knew I had to join. I was finally approved today after a long wait. Guess I didn't realize how good (in a sadistic way ha) it would feel to get it all out. Oh, and the $600 on booze was normal. They always made trips to the city to stock up, plus they had trips in the little town by us that they'd buy from AND their home made beer and wine. The amount of alcohol even makes MY liver shake in fear...and I have only a small percentage of their tolerance!
But, again, thank you all so much for that welcome and the kind words.
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Watchtower says:You can be Disfellowshiped for being FAT!!!!!
by Witness 007 inwatch 1974 p.167 "by disobediently overindulging in food and making a glutton of himself, he fails to show love for jehovah...is food a big thing in his life?
in the presence of others does he selfishly ignore their needs and take far more than his fair share?
is he grossly overweight?
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Stubborn Disbeliever
My family is all still active (well, you know what I mean) with the JWs..and they're all fat. Always have been..."it's genetic" my grandparents would say lol. But if my family doesn't get df'd for severly over drinking, then they won't be df'd for being fat.
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So, Was It Just "Luck" Or Did "Jehovah" Intervene At Times For You?
by minimus ini know witnesses believe that miracles were done away with other "gifts" after the apostles died but every so often they suggest god produced a miracle.. did you believe that jehovah god saved you out of a bad situation?
did you accept that god's angel help you out?.
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Stubborn Disbeliever
I'm not sure what to think anymore. I know there is a higher being that has been there for me many times. My car rolled 3 times and I walked out without a scratch, I was addicted to meth and ended it myself, I have been in multiple situations where it was a 'close call". SO many instances. It could be God, it could be angels, it could be fate or destiny, who knows. I think we should all just be grateful to get out of things we were lucky to get out of ;)
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Newbie
by Stubborn Disbeliever ini'm new here, so i thought i'd start with an introduction and summary of my life, for the most part.
i have a tendancy to ramble ridiculously, so bear with me :) and this will be all over the place as thoughts take over the keyboard.. i was born a 5th generation jw.
i never really "felt" it, but was book smart about it.
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Stubborn Disbeliever
Hello everyone! I'm new here, so I thought I'd start with an introduction and summary of my life, for the most part. I have a tendancy to ramble ridiculously, so bear with me :) And this will be all over the place as thoughts take over the keyboard.
I was born a 5th generation JW. I never really "felt" it, but was book smart about it. My grandma taught me SO much about the Bible and JW doctrine. I had all the Bible book names memorized at 3 or 4, I knew all of the apostles, I could recite dozens of scriptures word-for-word, and we played door-to-door on a daily basis. Yeah, can you say deep??! Even with all of that brainwashing, nothing ever clicked. I just went through the motions and told everyone what they wanted to hear. Funny, now that I think about it, no wonder I started running away from home at 3!
I was always rebellious. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough for my parents. My grandparents praised me until no end, but my parents were another story. My mom always made sure to tell me about how my dad called the wedding off the night before because he found out she didn't want kids. She caved and said she does, and they were married in the Hall the following day. She would let me know that she didn't want kids, and then ended up with ME as a firstborn...independent, loving, and smart to boot! Who would WANT a child like that?! Anyways, my dad wasn't really around. Eventually it all came down to showing off. My dad was making really good money, we had a nice house, nothing fancy. But my mom decided she needed to have the CO and DO stay with us EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY CAME! Plus, we had company over pretty much every weekend. I didn't mind the company, but when I was about 7 or 8 was when the "when are you getting baptized" questions started flooding in. I started struggling in school, depression became a huge part of my life. The attention was only on me when it was that question, otherwise it was about where we were going to book a private room at a fancy restaraunt, who needs another drink, how many people would be going, who needs another drink, let's buy hundreds of dollars worth of mink clothing and accessories, drink refill anyone (?), I'm tired of this room, let's remodel it again even though we JUSt remodeled 3 months ago, can you get me another drink? Yeah, this was constant.
Anyways, the summer I turned 12 I started smoking. I had a friend that lived a mile away, so I'd just say I was going outside to play and book it to her house. We lived in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere. After smoking, it just got worse. I had 3 friends in just a couple of years die, one of whom was my best friend since birth, another was my close friend from about 5 years old. My mom had my sister when I was 4, then was surprised to have my brother just before I turned 12. She figured since she didn't want kids and knew how much I loved people in general, that she would just leave him with me. So she picked up a catering job, made her own business catering to the rich who were too busy to cook, and called me my brother's "other mom". Yeah. In a way, I'm glad it happened because I confirmed that I want children...for joy, and to show that children can have a happy childhood. Also, at the time my "boy" best friend died, my "girl" best friend and her family were visiting us. They lived about 2000 miles away and we normally went there since it's where my mom's side of the family lives. Well we were all having a great time. Then I wasn't allowed to talk to my best friend anymore. One died, and one I wasn't allowed to write or call like we did constantly. 14 years later I found out why and we have reconnected again, closer than ever for the past 3 years.
Between all the parties they threw, booze they consumed (seriously I don't know how the liquor companies keep up with them), money they blew, and friendships they destroyed, I can see how they didn't have time for us. They took us on vacations at least once per year, we've been all over the States, Mexico, and Canada. Sure, that was educational, but I only ever asked for one thing: a picnic. A picnic in our back yard. Instead, they would call up some friends, tell them not to worry about the bill, and find a fancy place to eat!
Finally my dad came up to me when I was about to turn 17. He asked me why I'm not baptized. I told him that I don't want to, I'm not ready. He told me that I better get baptized at the next assembly, that I will do exactly as he says or he will make my life a living hell (dead serious those were his words). So I did. He won that one. Within 2 months I lost my virginity to a guy 10 years older than me. Daddy issues, anyone? 3 months after that, everyone found out. My dad tried scaring his info out of me, but I wasnt' going to do it. (In case no one has noticed, he has severe control issues.) I met the guy while taking college courses in lew of my high school classes my junior and senior year, so my dad pulled me out of college. I was only allowed to go to the 2 classes that I needed for credits to get my diploma after I was found skipping school (which I did almost daily for almost 2 years). Either my dad or my grandma would bring me to school, sit in front of the classroom door and wait. Yeah, no joking. I got strep throat one day and my dad was the only one home. He took me to the Dr and they said to go home and rest and take lots of fluids (I got strep at least 6 times every winter, so it wasn't new). I went home, went to my room, changed into pajamas, and went to lay down. My dad comes pounding on my door to tell me to go wash the windows outside (we had a 2 story house, I am TERRIFIED of heights, and I only ever had to wash the inside, but not even that because of my mom's OCD). I told him that I was going to bed. He grabbed the door key, unlocked the door and told me that what I was wearing isn't suitable to wash windows. I told him again that I have strep and I'm going to bed. He grabbed me by my throat and I blacked out. I don't know how long or how I ended up on the floor. But I came to and I was flat on my back on the floor with him straddle-standing over me. He still had me by the throat with my head off the floor. He told me that I will do as he says or there will be consequences. I told him I hurt and I'm sick, the nurse said to rest. He stepped over me, grabbed me by the hair, dragged me through my room, down the hallway, through the kitchen, through the dining room,and to the front door where he picked me up by the hair and threw my to the coat rack. I grabbed my knees and thought I was dead. He then grabbed me by the throat again and picked me up by it, he said that he wishes he could snap my neck and kill me right now. I begged him to just do it. He opened his hand and threw me down and walked away. An hour later my grandma (who lived on the first floor and was home, but denies it) drove me to my class at school. I walked in and my best of friends looked at me and grabbed me. Somehow they just knew. They saw the hand print, they saw my hair, and the red, swollen eyes were kind of a giveaway. I graduated high school 3 months later, within 10 days, my dad shipped me out to another state to live with my other grandma. I didn't know I was being kicked out. I was told 2 weeks to help my great grandma move. Yeah, called to go home for just a little bit to see my brother, I was told I'm not welcome in "his house with his children". Pretty much the end.
My dad is an elder (you can sure tell, huh?), my grandpa was the PO, my grandma was a regular auxillary pioneer, my mom would auxillary 2-3 times per year (when she felt she could put the booze down long enough during the day), my other grandma was a pioneer for a couple decades and is now just a reg aux, my uncles and aunts all reg pioneered, my great grandparents were zone overseers (before it was changed to CO) for a long time, and it just keeps going.
Sorry this is so long. I'm not sure what else to add. This was really really really hard to write, but that is my view of the JWs. Controlling, hurtful, and ready to throw you away in an instant. I'm so happy to have found this place. I have major issues with friends, I seem to pick the worst ones (minus my bff) and get royally screwed in the end. I just went through a whole clean up of "friends" when I found their true colors. I have left my Mormon faith behind (oh yeah, did I mention I got roped into LDS?? Yeah, it was quick...they got me with a couple of hot missionaries and some happy thoughts. I just don't follow it anymore since I don't appreciate being told exactly what I can and cannot do), but that didn't end many friendships, they weren't therein the first place. Anyways, my family has completely disowned me. My mom's mom was ok with me being DF'd when I was kicked out and then left her house 3 weeks after being shipped to her, but when I told her I went Mormon, that was the end. The only family that talked to me was done. So here I am, feeling a bit like Fezzik from Princess Bride, friendless, brainless, hopeless. Well, ok, not hopeless. :)
Now about me these days: I have slowly just walked away from the Mormon religion. I do like some of their beliefs, but I'm just not digging religion anymore. I am married to a guy who is as lazy as they come, and we've been married for 6 years, so I put up with it. We have 2 kids (almost 3 and almost 5), that are the light of my life...and sometimes the dark too haha. I love them though and tell them constantly (they roll their eyes now when I yell their name along with "Guess what???! I love yoU!"). I am happy with where I am right now. It's going to be hard the rest of the day thinking about all the things I didn't have room to write down here, but I'm glad I've gone through what I have. I know there will be something great to come of it. Even if it's to help my kids through their lives as it comes, then so be it. Thank you all for reading this insanely long intro. Told you I ramble I hope to get to know you all and find encouragement, hopefully I can do the same for others.